This article is written by Michelle Jones, Project Manager for the ND Project.
How many times have you said something to your child and experienced what you consider to be an overreaction to your question? Maybe you asked them if they have any homework and swore at you. Perhaps you asked them why they were so unkind to their sister and they burst into tears and punched a door.
As parents and carers we often want to ask further questions. Common ones are Why did you swear at me? Do you realise how much money it is going to cost me to fix that door? Why are you being like this?! We rarely get answers to our questions instead we get more frustrated and our child becomes more dysregulated. So what is happening and how can we stop this vicious cycle?
What is happening?
Our behaviour is as a result of what is going on in our brain. Our brain is a very complex organ with many different functions however, for the purposes of understanding behaviour, we can look at a simplified model as described by Dr Dan Siegel in his book The Whole Brain Child. In very simple terms we can think about us having a downstairs and an upstairs brain. The downstairs brain’s job is to keep us alive, it controls bodily functions such as breathing and heart rate but it also helps us to avoid danger. It is responsible for emotions such as fear, anger and the fight, flight, fawn and freeze response. The upstairs brain is more advanced and is responsible for imagination, planning, decision making and empathy among other things. What is really important to remember is that our downstairs brain is fully functioning when we are born whereas our upstairs brain isn’t fully developed until we are in our mid twenties! It explains why children and even young adults sometimes aren’t able to make sensible decision, seem to take unnecessary risks or have no sense of danger. So some of what we are experiencing is related to our child or young person’s developmental stage.
Something else that is happening is that we are communicating with our child and we are expecting a rational or reasoned response. When we ask “Why did you….” we are needing our child to be able to access their upstairs brain, the thinking part and the part that has the ability to empathise. In reality though what we are doing is talking to our child at a time when the thinking part of their brain is off line, sometimes known as flipping the lid, and instead we are talking to the downstairs brain which has no ability to be reasonable or empathetic. The downstairs brain is fighting for its life, sometimes literally when your child hits out at you. Certain events or feelings, for example being hungry, tired or worried, will cause our child to go into survival mode and they will only be accessing the downstairs brain. Being hangry is a real experience that can often causes dysregulation in children and adults.
Too often as parent and carers we are inadvertently fuelling dysregulation, meltdowns and shutdowns by trying to find out the reasons for the behaviour too quickly and whilst they are often still in a dysregulated state. The thinking and reasoning part of their brain, upstairs, is overwhelmed and they are unable to give reasons or explanations. The downstairs brain has taken control, resulting in our child actually losing control of their behaviour sometimes described as a meltdown, shut down or red zone. It is worth remembering that due to high levels of adrenalin they may well have done something they didn’t intend to and they will regret later on. They may also not remember what they did as the brain acts to protect itself by forgetting. Immediately after the incident is not the time to be asking why, or trying to unpick what the triggers were.
Dr Bruce Perry, an American neuroscientist, has provided a simple approach to help us support our children to be able to regulate their emotions these are known as the Three Rs. This approach can, and should, be used alongside other strategies we have talked about before including:
The Iceberg Model – Suffolk Family Carers
The Zones of Regulation – Suffolk Family Carers
Following the 3 R’s in the correct order will enable us to build better relationships with our children and reduce the chances of us escalating meltdowns and shutdowns.
The 3R’s
Regulate- Our first step should always be to help our child regulate their emotions. This is where were are helping to sooth the downstairs brain, calming the fight, flight, fawn freeze response so that the brain feels safe enough to start accessing the upstairs brain. We can only help them regulate if we ourselves are regulated. You may have to use the following activities for yourself before you can move onto supporting your child.
Things you can do at this stage to support your child
- Regulating breathing by blowing bubbles, or using a mindfulness app (modelling this to your child will help).
- Provide sensory or fidget toys.
- Calming scents such as lavender or something your child finds comforting.
- Safe items to chew or suck e.g. ice lollies or gum.
- Rhythmic activities such as jumping, tapping.
- Creative deconstruction e.g. breaking raw spaghetti, tearing up paper.
- Putting on a familiar playlist for them to listen to or sing along to.
- Running or walking.
- Offering a weighted blanket.
Relate- Once our child is regulated we can look at reconnecting positively, continuing to avoid digging into the reasons why the behaviour happened. If you do start asking too many probing questions at this stage you could move your child back into a dysregulated state.
Things you can do at this stage to support your child
- Offer a drink and a snack.
- Theraplay or intensive interaction.
- Quality Time doing something your child loves – this isn’t a reward it is about rebuilding a positive relationship.
- Explore feel good boxes (these can be made up in advance, perhaps with your child when they are in a reasoned state).
- Using noticing – “I can see that you are upset” or “I wonder if you are feeling worried”.
Reason – Only do this when your child is calm. For some children this may be several hours or days after the event. Remember your child may feel shame, guilt or embarrassment about their behaviour and we need to avoid magnifying these feelings further.
Things you can do at this stage to support your child
- Reassure them that they are loved and accepted.
- Talk through what happened and explore alternative ways of dealing with the feeling or trigger.
- Some children would benefit from comic strip conversations or social stories to support them to explore alternative responses. Where using social stories these should be repeated frequently when calm to help your child remember.
- Accept that your child may genuinely not know why they behaved the way they did. Instead focus on looking at supportive strategies to help them remain in their zone of regulation.
Final important tips
- Do not be tempted to skip stages or rush through stages, it is important to go at your child’s pace. This may go against everything you would normally do and for some parents and siblings it can feel like you are allowing the child to get away with behaviour that has had an impact on others. This takes a shift in mind set as a family to see that you are supporting your child to be able to self-regulate, which in turn will reduce meltdowns and improve family life for everyone.
- Learn to regulate yourself. If you are dysregulated too, for example shouting and being unreasonable or unrealistic, then you will not be able to help your child regulate. If you are regularly becoming dysregulated yourself then you will raise your child’s anxiety level, the downstairs brain takes over, and we enter the cycle of feeding each other’s dysregulation. You can look at this Co-regulation Demonstration video for ideas on how you can support regulation. Reach out for help from us at Suffolk Family Carers or Mental Health, Wellbeing and Emotional Support
- Consider finding out a bit more about how your child’s brain works. It will enable you to understand the causes of their distressed behaviour and to develop strategies to support them. The following videos are a good place to start.
> Flipping Your Lid
> Flipping Your Lid 2 – The Window of Tolerance
> Flipping Your Lid 3 – The 3 R’s
