Emotional regulation is a term used to describe our ability to manage our own emotions, we will all experience emotional dysregulation from time to time, for example when getting angry or anxious. Most adults will be able to self-regulate and get those emotions back under control, however at times of extreme stress or trauma they may find it difficult to regulate their emotions. Young children, with or without additional needs, will need support to regulate their emotions. This is a normal developmental stage and, through modelling from care givers, they gradually learn to self-regulate. We often use the zones of regulation when working with primary school age children, your child’s school might also use this. We have written an article previously The Zones of Regulation and created a workshop Zones of Regulation Workshop Recording.
Where a child or young person has developmental delay this will impact their ability to manage their emotions. Some children and adults with additional needs will need ongoing support to regulate their emotions. Edinburgh Psychoeducation for Children and Young People (EPIC) writes, “Children who are neurodivergent often have difficulties in regulating their emotions. They often need help to recognise and monitor what they are thinking, how they are feeling and how they are acting.”
Many families we support through our ND Project describe their neurodivergent child or young person as being frequently emotionally dysregulated, sometimes describing meltdowns or shutdowns. Parents can find this behaviour difficult to manage however it is important to understand that any behaviour is a form of communication and your child is likely to be distressed, confused, frustrated and unable to tell you why they are dysregulated. We encourage parents to use the iceberg model to help understand what is underneath the behaviours we see. Ambitious about Autism have an excellent video explaining this. We suggest that alongside a behaviour diary, which can help to identify triggers, parents also use the iceberg model to find the root causes of behaviour. It is really important that we understand identifying triggers isn’t about apportioning blame, it is about helping us to find the appropriate strategies to support our children. Normal behaviour modification approaches don’t always work for neurodivergent children. There is no single approach that is guaranteed to be successful with every child and there is no quick fix. However we would encourage you to have an open mind about what might work and be prepared to give it a go.
In this article we want to introduce you to the Window of Tolerance, originally described by Dr Dan Siegel. It is another way of helping us to understand why our child may be dysregulated and how we can support them to regulate their own emotions.
Each and every day we all experience a range of emotions and this is normal. Sometimes it might feel like our child is experiencing a roller coaster of emotions with big highs and deep lows. We might find our child is in hyper arousal, fight or flight mode, hitting out or running away for example. Alternatively we might see them in a hypo aroused state, freeze or flop mode, shut down or depressed. Neither of these states is ideal and what we want is to support our child to be in the optimal zone or window of tolerance. This is where our child is calm but alert, able to process information and communicate. When they are in this zone things their thinking, feelings and body are working together. They are able to think clearly, learn, play and have fun. They are able to be more reasonable and reasoned in their response.
When our child is out of their window of tolerance, perhaps due to heightened anxiety or experiencing harm or loss, they become dysregulated. This is the way their brain is avoiding or supressing the emotions that it does not want to feel or it cannot cope with at the moment.
The window of tolerance is applicable to all ages so we can also use it as parent carers to help manage our own emotional wellbeing too.
Individuals can sometimes have a narrow window of tolerance. This means that they can become easily and quickly dysregulated. This might describe your child that “has a short fuse” or “goes from 0-100”. Individuals who have experienced trauma will often have a narrow window of tolerance. This trauma does not need to have been a big event or repeated trauma. Research suggests that neurodivergent individuals are more likely to experience traumatic life events through day to day activities Post-traumatic stress disorder in autistic people. Stress, tiredness and being overwhelmed can also reduce our window of tolerance.
If we want to support our child to be able to regulate their own emotions we need to help our child to gradually increase their window of tolerance.
The best way to do this is to incorporate regulatory activities each and every day. You should choose around 3 regulatory activities a day, trying to do 1 or 2 in the mornings. You need to consistently do the activities for around a year, it will take time for you to see progress but don’t give up.
Suggested activities:
- Regulating breathing by blowing bubbles, or using a mindfulness app.
- Doing yoga or heavy work (pushing and pulling activities or lifting heavy items.
- Provide sensory or fidget toys.
- Calming scents such as lavender or something your child finds comforting.
- Safe items to chew or suck e.g. ice lollies or gum.
- Rhythmic activities such as jumping, tapping.
- Creative deconstruction e.g. breaking raw spaghetti, tearing up paper.
- Putting on a familiar playlist for them to listen to or sing along to.
- Running or walking.
- Offering a weighted blanket.
- Spending time on their special interest.
Other suggestions:
- Help your child to learn about how their brain works to manage their emotions. Try a book like The Colour Monster, or a film such as Inside Out.
- Role play events which can cause strong emotions, for example how to deal with rejection when you aren’t picked for the school team/play.
- Model how to regulate emotions through our own actions. Modelling to our children how to regulate emotions is our greatest tool, and best of all its free!
- Talk about emotions regularly. Don’t force them to talk about them, just make sure it is common language in your home. Use visuals to back up the verbal explanations.
- Ensure that you continue to do things as a family that could lead to strong emotions, for example playing a game where there is a loser. Our children need to learn to tolerate these strong emotions in a safe environment where they can practice self-regulation.
- Check in with yourself as the parent or responsible adult care giver. Are we in our window of tolerance? Are we calm? If we are calm we can share our calm with our child. If we aren’t regulated we need to look at what steps we need to take to support ourselves. Maybe start by reading this article to give you some ideas The Importance of Self-Care – Suffolk Family Carers or pop along to our parent carer drop in, one of our courses, workshops or parent carer yoga sessions (if eligible).
For further information see the following video clips:
