As Christmas approaches, I’m sure many of us are thinking about all the things the season involves. Likely some of you used the many sales that occurred last weekend over Black Friday-Cyber Monday to purchase your Christmas gifts. Gifts and gifting are an element of Christmas that I find most difficult to navigate mentally and emotionally as an autistic person. Gift giving, and even receiving, is not something I personally place that much importance in, and yet it is deeply important to a number of my friends and loved ones. Whilst I do not have any real emotional connection to the act of gift giving, I can recognise that I do need to partake in this social process, particularly at this time of year.
I was not diagnosed as autistic until I was an adult, and no one else in my family has a diagnosis, but I often say that my parents managed to create a rather ideal household for an autistic child/teen. Very little happened without prior planning, and short notice changes were communicated and discussed every time. As I became a teen and began being expected to be responsible for my own gift buying, we quickly adopted a system which has been in place now for over 10 years- The Spreadsheet. Every year in the first week of November, my parents would send around a link to an online spreadsheet, with a tab for each member of the family, and a number of tabs to help coordinate grocery lists and meal plans for the holidays. Within your personal tab, there would be a spot to specify what kind of socks you wished for (for years my brother exclusively wore tennis socks, my sister pop-socks, and myself bamboo ankle socks), what scents were good and which were no-goes for cosmetic products like shampoo or shower gel, what chocolates you wished for and so on. This, of course, made my parents’ lives much easier as they played Santa, but it also made my life much easier when buying gifts for my family- here was a clear list of what they did or did not want. I knew if I purchased a gift from this list, it would be appreciated, and there would be no chance of accidental duplication of gifts.
As we have grown up, new members have joined our family as my siblings have gotten married. Introducing them to The Spreadsheet has brought scrutiny to a process that my family have used without thought- it highlighted how some might see this as a very transactional process, and perhaps not appreciate it in the way that my family did. However, I’m happy to inform you that we have successfully indoctrinated both my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to our system, and they too have begun to see the beauty in the functionality of The Spreadsheet. Gift giving in this way does not mean I appreciate or love my family any less, indeed for me, the systematic nature of this process almost allows me to feel this love to an extent- I am not anxious that I have committed some social faux pas with my gift, I am assured that my effort is worth it. Similarly, I am less anxious about receiving gifts; I know what I will receive (though I do not know from whom I will get what), I know that I will not have to ‘fake’ any reactions when opening presents (a welcome thing because I was never very good at doing so), and I know I will not be disappointed after Christmas when I have not received something I actually wanted but could not justify buying myself.
Whilst this system would not work for every family, or even every autistic person, I think it can highlight how the social expectation of gift giving does not need to be a reality. It is often expected that if you know someone well enough, you should be able to just buy them a gift without asking them for recommendations. Such a gift is sometimes seen as more valuable, but I would argue that my purchasing a gift from a clearly organised list is no less valuable- you have still had to work to earn the money to buy that gift, you have to spend the time purchasing, wrapping and transporting it, and do so to show your appreciation of that person. Christmas gifts need not be as socially loaded as some wish to make them, surely a gift is no less meaningful because you confirmed it was actually wanted by the receiver.
This article was written by Monica Jones, she is a doctoral researcher at the Centre for Autism and Theology at the University of Aberdeen. She was brought up in Suffolk, attending Northgate High School Ipswich and Colchester 6th Form, before completing her undergraduate degree at Cardiff University and her Masters at Durham University. Monica received her autism diagnosis after her first year at University, having spent her childhood as an expert masker. You can hear more on her thoughts about Christmas in this month’s CAT podcast, along with thoughts from Paula Duncan, another researcher at the centre.
You can find out more about the research that is happening at Aberdeen University here Centre for Autism and Theology | The School of Divinity, History, Philosophy & Art History | The University of Aberdeen
