Bethany is a young adult carer for her mum – she tells us her story…
Bethany’s story
To tell you a little about myself… I’m 23 years old. First and foremost I’m a Daughter, a sister and an auntie to the most beautiful little 18 month old girl; Iylah.I love spending every second possible with her, she completely brightens anyone’s day. I met my partner; Shane in 2016 who is also a member of YAC and i have the best friend a girl could ask for; Lauren.
We seem to inadvertently do everything together; We went to sixth form together, university, we’ve worked together in two different jobs. I have a BA honours degree in Drama, one day the hope is to complete a teacher training degree and become a secondary school teacher. I was lucky enough to be able to complete my degree, but unfortunately some carers aren’t so lucky.
With being a carer comes responsibility, sometimes you are unable to go to school, college or work because the person you care for is really unwell meaning you have to stay at home and help look after and support their needs. Although i was able to complete my degree I didn’t necessarily get the outcome i wanted. I was predicted to get a 2;1, but because my mum had 2 mini strokes; one at the end of second year and one at the end of third year i was unable to complete of my final assessments; lowering my grade to a 2;2.
I have been a named carer since 2013 – however, my caring role began many years beforehand. My Mum suffers from a range of both physical and mental health conditions; severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, a bad back, chronic kidney disease and seizures, just to name a few. The mental health problems cripple her emotional and psychological state and wellbeing, whilst her physical disabilities affect her mobility. My Dad was also a sufferer of Crohn’s disease, which in layman’s terms is an inflammatory disease of the digestive system and can be just as crippling as any disability.
Mum and Dad looked after each other, each taking care of the other ones needs and up until about the age of 11, I was completely naive to the fact that either of them were unwell. I had what I would class as a perfect childhood. It was only in 2008 when i was about 14 and Dad starting spending months in hospital that I began to realise the extent of how bad things were.
Whilst Dad was in hospital, I had to be there to support Mum with her mental state and when dad came home I would help mum in whatever way I could, to look after him. Whether it was getting his tablets in the evening, going shopping with him because he was in too much pain to bend down and get stuff or simply just being there if he needed any help. In 2008 he became really unwell and spent over 6 months in hospital; I vividly remember being so excited because dad was finally coming home on the last day of school before Christmas. It was too good to be true, and the same day he came home, he was rushed back in to spend Christmas in hospital. Eventually, they fixed him up and he was sent home.
That would be his last New Year’s Eve with his family. In July 2009, he received a phone call to say they had found a cyst in his back as a result of previous surgery and needed it removed ASAP. He went into hospital for one of his most simple operations in September, but contracted septicaemia in the process; My Dad passed away after 11 days in a coma.
Both Mum’s physical and mental health really began to deteriorate, and after 4 years of dad passing, she then suffered a severe mental breakdown, leading to her being diagnosed with PTSD whilst spending some time in hospital. Over the past 8 years, she has also been diagnosed with many more conditions, some of which have been named above.
Mum feels guilty all the time because I’m caring for her; and although I don’t say this to her I found a poem once which perfectly sums caring up;
Be sure to love your Parents, treat them with love and care,
for one day you will only know their value when you see their empty chair.
Be kind and always tell them that they’ve done the best they could
and always let them know how much they’re appreciated, whilst overlooking the bad, see the good.
This is something that I always remind myself of since losing Dad, because I admit that when I was about 14, I used to get angry about it and never told my Dad enough how much he was loved. When you lose someone you love it leaves a void; like a black hole in your heart, in your life, let alone when you care for them. You go from spending all your time with them to doing nothing. Not only that but when your co caring with another parent and one passes away the sense of responsibility increases because although you were caring for 2 parents your now solely caring for one person, without the support network of the other.
Being a carer isn’t all bad! Whilst it is incredibly difficult more than half the time, it provides you with many skills and qualities; money management, being kind, patient, keeping a cool head in stressful situations, it makes you determined, reliable, and speaking from experience it makes you mature a lot quicker.
Fast forward to 2013: I had just started my second year at university, and I was feeling completely lost within myself, commuting back and forth to Cambridge every day in order to care for Mum, and I was still grieving for my Dad. With all of this, I was also trying to hold down a part time job all at the same time. It was during one of these commutes to university that Lauren turned to me and said: “You’re a young carer, let me put you in touch with a group I go to called Suffolk Young Adult Carers”.
My initial reaction was to brush it off as i thought to myself ‘ how am I a carer? I just help my Mum and used to help look after my Dad when mum couldn’t towards the end. Still, I filled out the form I was sent and had a meeting with one of the support workers; and I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made.
Suffolk Young Adult carers gave me my sense of freedom back. They have taught me it’s OK to laugh again and not feel guilty for it. They’ve taught me that I am just as important as everyone else, they’ve supported me through things that sometimes I haven’t been able to confide in my mum, not because she wouldn’t care, but because I don’t want to put undue stress her way. I’ve gained everlasting friendships with those that understand; as one of my YAC friends says; It’s ok to not be ok sometimes as long as you “just keep swimming” like Dory!
Nearly 6 years on, and I still go to all events possible and try to push myself to take up opportunities: I’ve been to the Houses of Parliament to talk to MPs about the effects caring can have on a carers mental health; I’ve taken part in the ‘NHS Think Carer’ programme, in which myself and other carers featured in a short video called ‘Do We look Like We Care?’; I’ve been to countless social events and residentials that truly are invaluable to someone such as myself, giving us respite and time away to be who we want to be, meaning we can go back and feel ready to conquer whatever faces us next.
The courses I have done with Young Adult Carers such as; the be your own best friend, sleep awareness courses, the self-esteem and self-confidence courses, have helped me start to become me again; they have started to give me some of my confidence back that i’ve lost along the way, you certainly wouldn’t have seen me standing up here this evening before these courses took place! I’ve done a first aid training course with them and am now a qualified first aider which is something I couldn’t have afforded myself and has helped me greatly not only in my caring role but when its come to applying for jobs in the past. I’ve had one to one lifting and handling training after mum had her mini strokes to safely help mum out of bed when needed or if she’s had a fall; there has been many interesting experiences; one time she fell in the hallway amongst loads of stuff face first when Lauren and another friend was round; she didn’t hurt herself luckily and we had to chuckle about it and thanks to the training and help from friends we got her up safely so it was all fine in the end.
Put a spin on it and mum had a fall when I wasn’t at home a few weeks back and couldn’t get up for a while and hurt herself in the process when she was able to move, so it shows how invaluable these types of training are to young people such as myself.
YAC have also made some of the most terrifying moments as a carer that little less scary. For example, when my mum was in hospital, I’d been by her hospital bed all night and a lady from Suffolk Family Carers came to see us; she took me to the Carers Cabin with a blanket and a pillow and let me sleep for the first time in 48 hours, whilst she went and sat with mum so I didn’t have to worry. I was woken up with a hot chocolate and a bacon roll because they knew that I hadn’t eaten.
There is so much more I could tell you, but we’d be here for ever, so I just want to say this; to all of the Suffolk YAC team, past and present; thank you for believing in me and giving your time and patience, not just to myself, but to all the other Young Adult Carers. Thank you for helping us see we are important, for making us laugh when all we want to do is cry, for being there to help us with anything you possibly can. You’re all amazing individuals, and we would be lost without you.
And I just want to thank Lauren for everything shes done for me these past 8 years and introducing me to Young Adult Carers. Not only that but for all the laughs we’ve had together, and the not so good where you’ve stayed by my side through it all. I’ve never said this before but, thank you for being the one bit of shining light through my darkest days when i lost dad, i’ll never be able to say truly how much i’m thankful for everything you done then and still do for me now, and i know my dad would be grateful to you for looking after his girl. I’m so glad I’ve found a best friend in you and, as I’ve said before your the best friend a girl could have and I love you to pieces.
As for myself and my future, it may be on hold at the moment but as my previous support worker said “ You haven’t had the opportunity to live life yet, do not give up. You will get to where you want to be if you want it enough!” and I know one thing for sure, without Suffolk Young Adult carers and my best friend, I don’t know where I’d be or how I’d still be managing to tackle the world face on.
