In this case study we have been discussing Adam’s caring role. He is now 26 and has been a Young Carer since the age of 11.
When did you become a Young Carer?
It’s actually quite difficult for me to pin this down. I think that from the age of four I was experiencing what we might call caring emotions and responsibilities. I lost my father at a very young age, and I was very conscious about how this affected my mother. I supressed a lot of negative emotions even then, so that I could ‘look after’ her. I came under the remit of Suffolk Young Carers aged 11, when my stepfather suffered a brain injury, requiring intense physical and emotional support thereafter.
Tell us a bit about your caring role.
When I was very young, I experienced this as an intense feeling of having to protect somebody else. This came at the expense of my own self-expression. I did not like very much for my mum to worry about me at all. This persisted as I got older, with my stepfather requiring a lot of emotional support. His personality changed after his brain injury, and he seemed to lose all sense of attunement to other people. It affected my parents’ relationship, and my relationship with them. Everything became about Dad’s moods and tiredness. We walked on eggshells a lot. My mum drank a lot as a result of this, and this affected me deeply – I was always worried about her as well as Dad.
When did you realise you were a Young Carer?
I didn’t realise this until I was in my early teens. I simply thought that this was how families were supposed to function. You just looked out for your loved ones. It wasn’t until I realised that my friends didn’t seem to have this much responsibility at home. They seemed a very separate entity to their parents. I felt like more of an extension to mine. I didn’t even think I was a carer once I’d joined the Young Carers Service. Most of what I had to deal with was mental and emotional, whereas lots of the people I met had to take a lot of physical care of their loved ones. I felt different even to them, until I realised just how much I was affected by the mental health of my loved ones.
When did others realise you were a Young Carer?
I think my parents and my school knew before I did, hence me being registered with the service. I’d say not long after my step-dad’s accident.
What challenges did you face and how did you overcome them?
The biggest challenges I have ever faced have been some quite serious mental health problems. I was plagued by insecurity, fear and a lot of anger. Life just seemed so unfair. I also began a fairly destructive drinking and substance abuse career in my mid-teens. I felt as though I had been forced to grow up quickly, and had so many traumatic experiences that I’d never had time to come to terms with. I didn’t know how to be a child. It was strange. I behaved like an adult in so many ways, but my emotional development was severely held back. Other people seemed to recover from set-backs so much quicker than I did. They weren’t afraid like I was. I felt so different to them.
I’d say the main way that I overcame, and continue to overcome, these challenges, was by asking for help. It took a lot to do that, but I found that so many people, in Young Carer’s, in School, in alcohol and addiction services, had made it their life’s purpose to help people. Who was I to turn those people down? Had I not, myself, made an entire life of helping others and putting them before me? Why should I not be entitled to the same kindness?
I have come to believe that nothing, at all, is wasted. My past can become my greatest asset in helping other people. I overcame my fears and my insecurity with ruthless honesty. It was painful sometimes, but speaking the truth allowed people to know what could help me. I can now help others too, for I have suffered like they have. I know their pain, their isolation, their sense of not belonging, and their sense of not mattering as much as other people do. We have suffered, but we have so much to be proud of. We have every excuse to be angry, and bitter, and unkind, but every carer I have ever met has been the exact opposite of that. I think that shows remarkable strength of character. It’s time to show some of that kindness and dedicated care to ourselves too.
What strengths and skills have you developed? Which came naturally as a result of caring and which did you have to work at and learn?
I think what caring naturally gives you, is the ability to empathise with other people. We spend most of our lives invested in the heads and bodies of other people. We have to. It seems only natural to me that we can put ourselves in other peoples’ shoes. I think I am able to do that quite well, and as a result, I can mediate quite effectively, which I have to do a lot for my career as a teacher.
What is your biggest strength?
Resilience. Although there have been a lot of set-backs in my life, some that were completely unnecessary, I have been able to pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it happens slowly, sometimes I need a hand, but I always get back up again. It’s getting quicker as I get older and learn to trust and encourage myself more.
What skills and strengths do others, (friends, school/college/uni staff, employers) see in you and tell you about, maybe you hadn’t recognised them in yourself?
My teachers always told me I was intelligent. My university lecturers praised me for this as well. My friends and family say that I am kind, funny, and wise. They often come to me for support, and I feel honoured about that. My employer, which is a secondary school, sees me as very hard-working, and a very good teacher. It has taken a long, long time to start to see and accept these things in myself. I didn’t like to believe these people. But there is a saying…
“If one person tells you you’re a horse, they are crazy. If three people tell you you’re a horse, there’s a conspiracy afoot. If ten people tell you you’re a horse, it’s time to buy a saddle.”
With regard to the strengths you have, how have these helped you outside your caring role?
Being resilient and empathetic have helped me to no end in everything I have done. I have been able to complete a History degree, and then go on to become a History teacher. I never dreamed I could be capable of doing either of those things. Getting up to do a presentation to my university classmates was terrifying, standing up in front of thirty teenagers to teach them, was even more terrifying. But I did both of them, and I keep doing them. Every time I feel like I just can’t do it, I think back over my experiences. There is more evidence to say I can, than evidence to say that I can’t.
Do you have any examples of where your strengths shone out? Did you stand out from amongst your peers?
I think my strengths have shone most of all in this current lockdown. My colleagues and I were told, at very short notice that we were to teach all of our classes online for the foreseeable future. It was incredibly daunting, and it felt like learning to teach all over again. We are six weeks into remote learning now, and I have not only survived it, but I have flourished. I am now teaching other members of my department, people who have been teaching for twenty years, how to do these new things online. I am dependable and useful. I have never wanted to be anything else. All those years being dependable and useful to my family, have translated beautifully into my adult life. It makes me feel tearful to say it. All of my pain, and suffering, has turned into something truly wonderful.
The lotus flower grows up from the muddy riverbank, with no light. It grows up and up through the dark, murky waters, until finally, it blossoms on the surface. It was all worth it.
What support did you get from Young Adult Carers to help with developing your strengths and how did it help?
Other Young Adult Carers taught me about the enduring strength of the human spirit. They taught me the value of unconditional kindness. They taught me the virtue of vulnerability. They taught me to get out of my comfort zone, and they taught me, without even knowing it, how to lead. I went on two sailing trips with them, and on both of the trips, I was able to resolve differences, bring people together, and remind them of their value and necessity in what we were doing. The camaraderie we all developed on those sailing trips was beautiful. I didn’t want to come back ashore. I still speak to some of those wonderful people even now.
Whether you are a Young Carer or a professional working with Young Carers, if you would like more information on our Young People’s Service please get in contact with us.
