Avoiding demands is something we all do particularly if we are feeling overwhelmed, tired, unwell or stressed; it is a natural protective response. By avoiding doing things we need to do or others want us to do we are reducing the amount of physical and emotional energy we are using. When our energy tank is low we need to protect our reserves.
PDA adult and advocate Julia Daunt created this image to show the range of demands that might be present for someone in their daily life.
Demand avoidance can be seen in autistic people, although not always, and often takes the form of a shutdown, withdrawal or even a meltdown as a way to avoid demands. Sometimes you will hear the term Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). The PDA Society state that this type of Demand Avoidance is all encompassing and may result in many everyday tasks or demands being avoided altogether, and can result in an irrational response in relation to the size of the demand. PDA is also a spectrum and, like autism, individuals with this diagnosis can respond very differently to each other and respond differently to different demands.
Parenting can be a challenging job at any time but caring for a demand avoidant child will mean considering really carefully the approaches you take so that you do not escalate your child’s anxiety levels and subsequently cause a meltdown or shut down and further avoidance of demands.
Scott our Youth Peer Support Worker has written some top tips for parent carers and professionals who are working with children and young people who demonstrate demand avoidance.
- Recognise & accept that children are generally not trying to get away with things or trying to be devious
- Be less directive than would be the case with typical autism
- Avoid confrontation where possible
- Keep calm and level in emotions
- Do not be abrupt or give a direct command
- Do not make them do it. Pick your battles/ allow for negotiation and meet half-way
- Expectations should be disguised and reduced to a minimum. Be as consistent as possible.
- Ground rules need to be reduced as far as possible but then maintained
- Say no in a yes way. Do not say no
- Avoid ‘Are you ready?’
- Use humour/ distraction/ wonder/ excitement
- Provide choices:-‘shoes on here or there?’
- Disguise demands ‘ask without asking’ e.g. cue the child in by getting equipment out that is suggestive of an activity.
- Let it be the child’s idea where possible
- Go along with their fantasy world and don’t challenge it (i.e. don’t engage but don’t correct)
- Use pictures or social stories to communicate
- Allow more processing time
- Use indirect praise to build self-esteem
- Talk of consequences may cause more anxiety and conflict
- Use anxiety reducing activities e.g. exercise/ hobbies
- Give a degree of responsibility to the child for their own learning
- Be sensitive in delivering criticism however slight
- Ignore negative behaviours as far as possible
- Be flexible but have definite limits that are respected
- Be imaginative and prepared to re-negotiate and re-earn the child’s interest day by day (What works today may not work tomorrow but may work next week or month!)
- Have a variety of strategies to hand and don’t worry if one doesn’t work on a particular day
Further information and useful resources can be found at PDA Society.
